My Partner Just Told Me They Have Herpes. I Don’t. Now What?

handsHas your new partner just informed you that he or she has herpes? People have many reactions when hearing this kind of news — and, depending on how informed you are about herpes, your reaction might be tinged with panic or fear. If that’s your instinct, try to keep those feelings in check: Your partner might be feeling very vulnerable, so it’s best not to react with shunning or shaming.

More than 80 percent of people with genital herpes are unaware of their infections.

By being open about his or her STD status, your partner has demonstrated a sense of responsibility toward your sexual health and a respect for your ability to make informed decisions. It’s possible that your partner was not given this same consideration by the person from whom he or she contracted herpes — some people with genital herpes choose not to disclose their status, while most don’t even know they carry the virus in the first place.

Herpes is more widespread than most of us realize. It can be caused by one of two strains of the herpes simplex virus: HSV-1 or HSV-2. While HSV-1 is more commonly associated with cold sores and HSV-2 is more commonly associated with genital herpes, either virus can infect the genital area. One estimate states that 1 out of 5 American females and 1 out of 9 American males between 14 to 49 years of age have a genital HSV-2 infection.

Now that you know your partner has herpes, you might have some questions. How easy is it to transmit genital herpes from one partner to another? What can you do to minimize your chances of catching the virus? And, while it is certainly stigmatized in our culture, is herpes something to fear?

Among heterosexual couples, women are more likely to catch HSV-2 from their male partners than men are to catch it from their female partners. Let’s say you have 100 heterosexual couples in which the man has genital herpes and his female partner doesn’t: At the end of one year, an average of 8.6 women will have acquired genital herpes infections. Let’s turn the tables — now the women have genital herpes and their male partners don’t. At the end of the year, only 2.7 of the 100 men will have acquired genital herpes from their partners.

Condom use offers some protection, but studies give varying results on the degree of protection offered — around 50 percent reduction in risk of HSV-2 transmission. Transmission is further decreased when the partner with herpes takes daily herpes-suppressing medications. One study found that acyclovir reduces viral shedding by as much as 94 percent, and valacyclovir has been found to reduce risk by 48 percent. The best way for someone with genital herpes to protect his or her partner is to practice several risk-reducing strategies at once:

  • Use condoms: Although they don’t cover the entire affected area, they still reduce transmission risk.
  • Take herpes medications: Herpes medications, like acyclovir or valacyclovir, inhibit viral DNA synthesis, and can be taken daily to keep the virus in check. (Alternative remedies, like L-lysine, aren’t supported by good evidence.)
  • Practice abstinence during outbreaks: While herpes can be transmitted in the absence of symptoms, symptoms are a sure sign that the virus is active. When blisters, itching, open or swollen sores, or pain is present in the infected area, abstain from sexual activity until a week after all sores have healed.
  • Adopt a healthy lifestyle: To keep the immune system in tip-top condition, quit smoking, eat a healthy diet, get enough sleep, and avoid stress.

A herpes outbreak can be very uncomfortable or even painful, featuring ulcers in the genital area that can take weeks to heal. More than 80 percent of people with herpes are unaware of their infections — they either never had symptoms, or their symptoms were so mild that they went unnoticed. (When your partner reveals his or her herpes status to you, keep in mind that you could already be in this asymptomatic group.) Among those who do have symptoms, the frequency and intensity of outbreaks tend to decline over time, often disappearing altogether — although the virus is a permanent resident in their bodies.

Though a herpes outbreak may initially be devastating, many carriers of the virus will tell you it’s not the end of the world. As an STD educator put it:

[Herpes] has not hindered my love life, inhibited my ambition, or limited my friendships (I’ve been married, auditioned for American Idol, gone skydiving 3 times, been an auditor for a Big 4 accounting firm, ran a 25k, started a successful business, worked as a ‘carny’ on a fried veggie wagon, completed 2 degrees, etc.).

An anonymous writer shared these inspiring words:

In a world full of infinite partner choices, herpes had narrowed mine to the understanding, the open minded, the risk takers. I am now confined to partners who think my awesomeness eclipses my cellular flaw — so instead of killing my love life, herpes has weirdly deepened it.

And there are plenty of people who don’t let fear and stigma dictate their love lives. As one commenter on a men’s health blog says:

[T]his fear is pretty ridiculous in my mind. This girl is one of a kind and she’s worth the risk of contracting a disease that causes skin irritation below the belt.

Many people without herpes enter into relationships with partners who carry the herpes simplex virus. They might have decided that their partner is worth the risk, or might not think that herpes is a particularly terrible fate in the first place. It’s up to you to decide if you don’t want to risk acquiring herpes; if you want to take precautions against herpes but can live with it if you catch it; or if you’re totally OK with exposing yourself to the virus.

Whatever decision you make, you need solid information on which to base it. To learn more about herpes, visit these helpful websites by Planned Parenthood, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Scarleteen, and the National Institutes of Health.

29 thoughts on “My Partner Just Told Me They Have Herpes. I Don’t. Now What?

  1. Thanks! this was the answer I was looking for.

    I was once with a sex partner who had chlamydia. He announced it weeks after we had intercourse, I was worried I had contracted it, I had to go for a check up, thankfully I didn´t contract the virus, but while I was going through all the process I felt lonely.

    After a few years I got together with my boyfriend, I´ve been with him for a year, and we´ve had unprotected sex scince day one. Last night I sensed my boyfriend was sad about something, but at first he didn´t want to tell me, after a few hours he told me he had to talk to me about something serious.
    Three years ago he contracted an STD, and he had 3 surgeries to have it removed. He went for regular checkups and told me he had nothing.
    Last night he felt a rash the same place he had it before, he hadn´t told me anything because he thought it had dissappeared completely. I love him, and I want to stay with him, I don´t even know what my questions are.

    I completely support him and I told him that I would do anything to help him.

  2. I envy people that have found awesome people who love them for what they are, and can see the person not the virus. I however, have only encountered shunning and the revelation of my diagnosis always is uncomfortable silence, followed by complete separation and end not only of romantic, but also any friendship.
    My most recent incipient romance has ended less than a week ago, and I was left feeling like a freak or monstor. I might add that I am above average looking woman, own my own home and business, well educated.
    I am really suffering through this again, as I again come to terms with remaining celibate the rest of my life.

    • I’m so sorry you’re going through such a painful series of rejections. If someone can’t “see the person, not the virus,” that says something very sad about them — but that doesn’t help you. You might want to see if there is a herpes support group in your area. This website is from a trustworthy organization, but the list is not very exhaustive. If you don’t live near any of the cities included on that list, you might be able to find a local group by Googling (I found other listings but didn’t want to link to organizations I hadn’t heard of). I wish you all the luck. You deserve someone who will make you happy and who won’t shame you.

    • Where are you from, i would date you , you will find someone worthy of your company, patience and positivity x

    • Justine, I’ve found giving my partner time to know me to the point of loving me without sex is helpful (may be 3mos or more) before I have the side by side discussion w/them of us each having a STD test done before we add sex to our current relationship. That way they, and you, know each other’s status…as if for the first time. Then go from there as they may be an a symptomatic carrier of it. I also refer to herpes, as do the test results, as “HSV”. The word “herpes” has an unwarranted social stigma to it; the medical term “HSV” just seems to go over better.

  3. I’m sixteen years old and just found out I had contracted genital herpes from the first time I had sex… The guy I had sex with was a one time kind of thing, and my boyfriend who I have been with for a year now and I have not had sex with (I’ve scared of catching something with the other guy from before). I am so terrified about telling him because he could shame me and possibly think that I had cheated on him, which I had not. I feel alone and I don’t know what to do or who to speak to.

    • I recently told my boyfriend I have gentian herpes. And he has not talked to me since yesterday when I told him. Is this normal? Does he need time to think? He is an incredible human being and I feel like he just has a lot to think about. What should I do?

      • Hi Koko. Everyone will react to this information differently, but I am sorry he hasn’t been talking to you. He might need time to think, and (one hopes) to become educated about herpes. You can point him in the direction of reliable websites, such as the CDC and Planned Parenthood, so he has access to the best information.

        There are many couples out there in which one partner has herpes and the other does not, and they are able to use strategies to decrease transmission risk. I wish you the best of luck!

  4. So I started seeing this guy and we got really serious. It has been almost three months, and now all of a sudden he tells me his doctor says he has HSV-1. I got tested in July of last year at a clinic that said I had HSV-1 at a rate of 6.18, but I did not believe it. This was the same clinic that told my mother she had kidney disease and she does not! So I went to the emergency room at a local hospital and got retested: it was negative. This made sense to me because I have literally never had an outbreak in my life and have never shown any symptoms. We sat down and had a talk about all of this. I told him this whole situation, and he assured me he was fine. We even joked about if either of us was going to get something it had been more than 2 weeks and we would have known it by now. As far as I know he has never had an outbreak either. Now all of a sudden he says I gave him HSV-1. What am I supposed to do? I thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We talked about a future, maybe even marriage, maybe kids but we would see because he already had two. He asked me to be his girl friend in January and he was even the one that told me he loved me first, but now he blows me off, doesn’t want to be my best friend anymore, doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, nothing. He just wants to be friends. Yet he told me how he still thinks about having sex with me. Since then we have had sex, but we wore a condom this time, and he told me he does not think he has anything but he is going to get retested. None of this just makes any sense to me. He will not answer any of my questions and doesn’t want to talk about this. He says there is nothing to say because I am the only one he has had sex with. He had sex with a girl from my school back in October or November he said he was tested at the end of November and he was fine. We started dealing with each other in December. It is now April. I do not know what to do.

    • You both need to be tested for HSV and compare test results. SEE his results from last November. Research false positive test results.

      Seek relationship counseling for the relationship issues. Your clinic may be able give referrals.

    • You both need to be tested and compare test results.
      Please do lots of research on HSV. There is so much to learn about it. Know that the virus spreads thru skin to skin contact in the genital region – front & back. It does not require penile penetration. Condoms only provide 50% protection.

  5. I need to know if by me having herles and not knowing and been with someone for 8 years what are the chances of him not having it and just me having it. Im not sure if i got it from him or not but i have not been with anyone else. Does he have it did i get it from him?

    • He needs to also be tested.
      You’ll see in other research on Google that one partner can have it for years and not know it but the other partner doesn’t have it.

  6. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We have so.much unprotected sex its not even funny. Yesterday before work he was acting all nervous and then after a while told me he had herpes. He stated that he has not touched me when he has had an outbreak. I for the most part believe him. I am in love. The sex is AMAZING. And he has been my friend for.15 years. He is now having an outbreak. We’ve had sex three times.since with condoms. I need to know HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

    • First, stop having sex while he is having an outbreak; condom or not. Herpes is spread thru skin to skin contact; his genitals rubbing up against your genitals. The virus is in his nerve cells replicating and seeking more living quarters aka your nerve cells.
      Second, you both need to be tested and compare test results.
      Third, do LOTS of research on HSV. There is so much to learn.

  7. I just recently told my guy friend of 5yrs I have genital herpes and he stopped talking to me he said he need some time to let it soak in we new each other since 2014 and now I feel like he has distanced himself from me since I told him about the virus and just recently in October gotten married to the guy I contracted the virus from who I have known since 14 and he gave it to me at 16 Im now 26 so I decided to give him a chance after the fact an we were together for all those years somewhere in those years I gained a friend we were cool..mean while my guy friend of 5 years are talking about him and I in love with each other and things of that nature so I felt that I was losing control of our relationship by me knowing and not speaking on the genital herpes so I told him….but thats not it throughout our five-year relationship we had sex Maybe 6 times and 3 times was unprotected my feelings are really hurt this is my first time telling a guy about this it was my first time wanting another guy friend and talking a guy outside of my marriage of 4 months to the guy I contracted it from ….I feel like I failed my marriage and a 5-year relationship also I just don’t know what to do should I just back off

  8. My boyfriend of 3 years just told me he has herpes. We’re eachother’s first relationship. We’ve never done it or anything else with other people. He says the only way he has it is from me cause I’m the only person he’s had sex with. But I haven’t done anything or had sex with anyone other than him. But he says he’s been loyal and he hasn’t done anything with anyone else. I want to believe him but a part of me doesn’t. I don’t know what to think or do!

    • Chloe, you need to be tested. Then with your test results in hand you ask to see his test results. Do some research online and find out about false positive test results. It’s possible that he needs to be retested. Is it possible that he has never been tested for HSV and has some other situation going on under his belt and is guessing it’s Herpes?

      • You’ll find in your research that HSV (herpes) is spread thru skin to skin contact. It does NOT take an act of penile penetration to transfer the virus.

  9. I recently found out that I have contracted herpes. Devastation is an understatement. I’m mentally incoherent at this point. I had been in an amazing relationship for 10 months. This “outbreak” appeared 4 days after we sex. My boyfriend has no symptoms. Is it possible I was the carrier of this ill gotten disease all the time?

    • I was also recently diagnosed, I was devastated at first but you get over it though and slowly learn to accept it. I didn’t get any major outbreaks since my first one my only fear is telling my next partner. With a bit of research and by talking to some of my friends I realized it’s not as bad as we think, the stigma is worst I think. Good luck and stay strong.

  10. My husband and I though recently married. We’ve been together for 9 years. Two days ago he revealed that he contracted a hint of herpes in his blood stream. I feel like I’m about to loose my mind. Emotionally I can’t hold together. I’m afraid to get tested, but I know that I’ll have to.

  11. I was just diagnosed with sacral herpes. My boyfriend and I have been having unprotected sex for 2 years and he has recently gotten a cold sore. Did he get it from me?

  12. I had sex with a female and her boyfriend started having sex with me with no protection after I told them I didn’t want to engage In a threesome. A week and some change after I started to have what I found out was a herpes outbreak. I waited until I had the final results to my std testing and the doctor says I got it from a male. Now I had been with a few females but the girl’s boyfriend is the only one who went in me raw so I called them and told them. They claim they got tested right after doing the deed with me and their testing came back negative. If I didn’t get it from them it means I’ve been had it because I hadn’t had unprotected sex with a male in almost 6 months, which means I actually have it to the couple. They have to be lying right? It had to be from them, or else I got it from my ex boyfriend and I’m almost positive he is clean. How am I the only one getting outbreaks and symptoms? did I cook this disease up myself? I’m so confused

  13. I was just told by my current sexual partner that he has developed a cold sore 5 days after we had unprotected sex for only the second time. I have no symptoms/outbreak, and have never had any breakouts before in the past that I can remember.
    When he told me this, he asked me if I knew anything about it?!? 0_o
    He said he was recently tested and claims to have been clean and I am the only person who he has had sex with since then. I also recently had a STD test completed, but when I checked my results again, HVS is not on the list of things tested! smh
    Could he also be thinking that was tested for on his and in actuality it wasn’t and he has had the virus all along and the timing of the sex and cold sore is just really shitty? (that is a rhetorical question lol you have no way of knowing that)
    I am getting a full STD panel again tomorrow to include HVS I & II to see if I carry the virus and am asymptomatic, or if this is just him.
    What I would like to know though is can the virus show signs that fast after contraction? I know it can spread without an outbreak present, but I am feeling a little panicked that it could have been me that gave it to him unknowingly >:( and if it wasn’t, than vise versa. Can a blood screening so soon after our last time having sex show positive results? My research has not been very consistent on the timeframe of showing symptoms and/or antibodies after contraction 🙁

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